A Caring Heart 1

I was so scared that I was shaking and no one around me would give comfort. I saw Stevie's terrified stare as he watched me inch my way closer to the toy car in the middle of the dark hallway. I looked down at my size seven sneakers that no longer wanted to move.

"Do it Artie!" Carl demanded from what seemed like a mile away. "Do it or you're sleeping in the hall tonight!"

My body began to shiver even harder as Carl prodded me on. He wasn't really in charge of us all, but at 25 years he was the oldest and I was only 19 years old. I knew he wouldn't let up on me until I did what he wanted. Somewhere inside I made the decision to get it over with. I needed to speak the words that the majority of my orphan brothers were waiting to hear. I forced my feet to take just a few more shaky steps until I was only two feet from the small wood carved car on the floor. My eyes carefully watched the old toy for the slightest movement and I felt like if it moved a hair, I would jump right out of my own skin. I took a deep breath while I began to utter the words that I swore I would never say. These words were what gave me nightmares.

As I exhaled a shaky breath, the words came out, "Willy Nilly, I've got the willies, come to me." The last part came out in a weak gasp as I feared what would come next.

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Maybe it was the setting that made things so scary, since it was dark and all fourteen boys were holding their breath, peeking out of doorways, as they watched me in the moonlit hallway. I had seen Carl push too many boys into doing this and nothing ever happened, but when you're put in the hallway, things were creepy no matter what you were doing. I stopped breathing and shaking at the same time, becoming a statue that watched the toy in front of me.

I waited a few seconds that seemed like a lifetime and I was about to turn around to walk back to the bedroom when 'it' happened. I heard the squeaking of the small tires as they moved on their own, creeping toward me. I watched in disbelief as the car approached my feet that couldn't move. Down the hall, I heard a collective gasp in terror followed by running footsteps of my orphan brothers.

The hallway began to tilt and spin as I turned away to run and that is when the floor seemed to lift upward and smack the side of my head. Before I blacked out, I no longer saw Carl or anyone else peaking down the hallway and realized that I was abandoned.

I wasn't out for very long before my eyes opened to see all of the lights on in every room down the hall. Mr. Menard was darting from room to room looking strange with his long thin body in pajamas. I could hear the man shouting things out at the boys, but I didn't know what he was saying.

An all too familiar scent filled my nose as I tried to lift my head. It smelled like some one wet the bed, but I knew that some one must have pissed himself because he was so scared. I suddenly remembered why I was where I was and looked to see the tiny wood car touching my left foot. I gasped and quickly scooted across the floor away from the toy. That is when I saw that I was the one who had pissed himself from being so scared. My night pajamas seemed to weigh more and my hands and feet slipped on the newly wet floor.

Mrs. Menard was thumping her fat body to different rooms trying to say things to different crying boys. There were too many boys to communicate with and only two people to handle them all. Finally Mr. Menard ended up standing in front of me in the lit hallway, looking from my sprawled body on the floor to the toy on the floor. I expected Mr. Menard to help me up but instead, he picked up the little car and shouted out something in German to his wife.

It was embarrassing to have pissed myself in front of every boy in the orphanage, but it was even worse to have Mrs. Menard's sausage link fingers wash the piss off of my naked body. I wondered if Carl would make fun of me when I went back to my bed and after what happened, I wondered if it even mattered. It was clear that I had been in contact with an actual ghost and my new fear was of having to go to sleep in a dark room where the ghost would find me again.

The hallway was dark again when Mrs. Menard walked me to my bed. Every room was only lit by beams of moonlight, but I knew that no one was sleeping. I knew that every eye in that room was on me as they pretended to sleep.

Mrs. Menard took the towel off of me and I climbed into bed to sleep naked. As my eyes adjusted even more, I could see little Stevie's wide eyes on me and I think he was shaking under his covers. When I was sure that Mrs. Menard was downstairs, I sat up in bed and clicked on the wall lamp between our beds, then laid back down. I didn't hear any complaints from any of the other boys and it seemed to calm Stevie to have some light on in the room.

Stevie was only 18 years old and I felt a need to take care of him since he was the youngest on our floor and got bullied more than any other boy. I felt like I had failed at being a mentor because I had assured Stevie that nothing ever happened when they did the car toy trick and there was no reason to be afraid. It was only until I saw Stevie's eyes close, that I was able to relax into sleep.

You would think that since I had gone through with what Carl had asked, maybe he would let up on me or even accept me as being an equal. There should have been some sort of credit in pride that came with meeting a ghost and pissing yourself at the same time. I felt like I should have a little recognition for doing something so frightening and living through it. However, as I walked the playground between classes, the other boys looked away from me when I met their eyes. The only person to even look at me was Stevie and he wasn't saying much. Everyone had been so eager to prod me into speaking those scary words in the hall, but in the daylight, no one wanted to talk about it.

Steve was at my side at every chance he got and I cringed inside as I saw his scared little eyes peer terrified into dark corners of the orphanage. I mirrored the little guy's fear as I refused to go into darker places or even to venture into the dense woods that surrounded the orphanage. There were no more encouraging words for Stevie about how ghosts weren't real. All I could do was stick close to him and comfort him with my presence.

At night, I slept with the light on between mine and Stevie's bed. Still, no one complained about the light being on, but they also stopped talking to me. Two days after the incident, I laid in my bed, pretending to read while I listened to the other boys talk. There were a lot of boys sitting on beds around Carl's bunk while he let them all see his pubes that he was so proud of. This was the first night where I wasn't invited over to listen to Carl talk about sex and what its like to touch a girl. My eyes kept glancing over as the other boys took part in something that I had always looked forward to. I watched my orphan brothers massage their hard-ons through their pajama bottoms while they talked about what it would be like to lick a girl 'down there'. I saw Stevie's confused expressions as he listened to all the boys chat about boners and tits, while he had no idea what any of it meant.

My eyes stayed on my little friend in the next bed and I watched his eyes gradually droop closed until he was asleep. I was soothed by the slow rise and fall of Stevie's restful breathing. It was nice when I got to see the little guy when he wasn't scared or looking out for the next bully. Everyone gave Stevie a hard time before the ghost incident, but afterward, it all seemed to get worse. I couldn't help but feel that I had painted a target on my little orphan brother that he never deserved.

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