Blame - Sex in The Back Room 2

'Why the fuck do you think? Go on tell me?' He didn't say a word. He tried to back-off out of the way but he was stuck in the corner. I really began to lose my rag. 'How about 'because I asked you too', that's one reason. Or how about the other reason.' I could sense people were getting really uncomfortable now. Someone heckled something along the lines of why didn't I just leave him alone and find someone else.

'Forget it mate,' someone else shouted.

'Why don't you just leave it'.

Normally, people saying things like that shuts me up. I'm not very good when it comes to confrontations. I can stand my own when I'm really forced too, but normally I make the best piece and back down. But this guy's attitude really pissed me off. So I carried on with what I was saying.

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'Because I don't want to fuckin' die.

Is that a good enough reason for you?' He didn't seem to get it. He had this blank look on his face. 'A.I.D.S you fucking stupid little shit. Remember it? That little virus that rots you from the inside out.' Part of me wishes I hadn't said it quite like that. I mean, it's not a very nice way to put it is it? to tell people they're rotting from the inside. It's cruel. Some of the guys in that back room are dying, or 'living with the virus' as they like to put it. And I'm sure it's the last thing they wanted to be reminded of.

But I couldn't help it. I'm about to be fucked by a complete stranger in a backroom, and I decide to get on my moral high horse. It's a bit fresh in a way. But then again it's not. I mean what else am I meant to do? Let him fuck me? Some of my friends are dying. A few of them have died. They didn't want to die. I didn't want them to die. And as far as we could tell, it wasn't their fault. As soon as they started to hear rumours about the bug they did what they could. I remember the day Edward told me he thought he probably had it.

He cried for hours. Some guy he fucked two years before had died. They'd fucked without condoms, before anyone knew anything. Edward didn't go for the test. He couldn't face a doctor telling him what he already knew. When he started getting night-sweats, that's when he went to the doctors. They confirmed it. He was dying. He died two years ago now. It's been two years, but I still can't look at photos of him. He was a dancer, chorus line in musicals. He'd done the Variety Show and been on tour in loads of things.

He was in his mid-thirties when I met him. He was fourteen stone of solid, camp muscle. I'd have fancied him if he was a bit younger. When he died he was just under seven stone, blind and covered in sores. He died wearing a nappy. It made think of something someone once said about life - something about ending up where you started off. Back then I thought that it was no way for anyone to die. Not for someone like Edward. He could be a pig headed little shit, but we loved him, and he loved life - well, most of the time.

I'm beginning to change my mind now. Some people don't like me for saying it, but what else can I say? I'm beiginning to think some people deserve to die. I went for a test. Even though I knew I was going to be negative I was shitting myself all the time I waited for the result. Even the nurse said that I shouldn't have anything to worry about. I was young enough to have had the right information at the right time.

I hit puberty just as A.I.D.S hit the States. By the time it was over here I was stocked up with condoms and lube. I have to confess, when the doctor told me I was negative, I cried. I just couldn't have faced the prospect of being positive. Not now. Not just as everything is starting off for me. But, that guy who wanted to fuck me. He deserves everything that's coming to him. You can't tell me he hasn't been informed.

You can't tell me he hasn't noticed that's there's a nasty little bug going around that's killing people - that the world hasn't suddenly become obsessed with little sheathes of rubber. I suppose that's what I'm saying here. Some of these people with A.I.D.S. don't deserve our sympathy. And I'm beginning to think they don't deserve our help either. If that's the bed they've chosen to lie in then they can die in it by themselves.

Why shouldn't they? You must admit, he's guilty of something? You can't tell me he's not to blame - not if he's been informed, not if he knows the risks. He might not care about himself. But what about me? Is he really that selfish? There's this conspiracy of silence surrounds people like him. No-one in that backroom stood-up for me. Perhaps they thought I was doing a good enough job by myself. I don't think so. Not when they shouted the things they said. There's hardly a condom on the floor when that place closes.

And there's no-way you're going to tell me that everyone took them home with them, or that everyone in there was positive. And it's not just been that guy either. He's not been the first to try and fuck me without a condom. He wont be the last. No matter what anyone says, some people wont listen. If you want to ask me, I'm not affraid to say it, because I really do think that some people deserve everything that's coming to them. And believe me, it's coming to them.

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