Alexander The Great 2

He wouldn't meet my eyes, moving only as I directed him while I attempted to coat his cuts with an anti-septic. "They ... they called me ... Alexander."

I dropped the gauze I had been using in disbelief. "They called you -- " I couldn't even finish the sentence. I shook my head as I got clean supplies and started to clean the scrapes on his jaw. "You got into a fight," I began again, "because they called you Alexander? Jesus, Alex, it's your name! Half the time I call you Alexander!"

He shook his head away from my hand -- a kind of a shrug -- then allowed me to catch him with the gauze again. "It was ... it was the way they were saying it. Besides," he lowered his voice, "I like it when you call me Alexander."

God, I almost lost it. He had finally brought his eyes to mine, and my anger disappeared instantly. The fact that he wanted me to call him by a name that no one else would be permitted to use touched me deeply, and I wanted to take him in my arms and just hold him forever. Add to that the intensity of his stare, and I came damn near close to grabbing him and kissing him, right there on the beach in front of God and everyone. My hand was no longer working gauze over wounds, but had cupped his cheek, gently caressing it. I kept my mouth shut for fear of what I might say.

"Sorry," he whispered, finally looking away.

I mumbled something about him staying out of fights from then on, but my heart wasn't in it. Nor was I terribly effective as I talked with his sparring partners. I never heard a word of their explanation; my attention was down the beach with Alex. I let them off with a warning as well.

Alex didn't give me much time to brood over the situation, though. With a smile, he had me back in the water, horse-playing with him and some of the other boys. Funny how he had a way of making me give him all I had despite the pain I would feel later about being so close to him and yet -- well, close enough to touch, yet too far away to feel.

Things started to change when I went away to college. I was miserable most of the time, spending all my time studying and dreaming of being back with Alex. I found myself doing extra- credit research in Ancient History, fascinated with the original Alexander the Great. He had been gay, or at least bisexual, and had nearly destroyed a city when city leaders were implicated in the death of his young lover. Hmm, my Alex had conquered my heart all right, but would he accept my love as well -- could he ever love me?

My visits home started and ended with Alex, and we worked hard to re-capture those old times during summer vacation, but everything seemed so different. Alexander was growing into a handsome young man, fulfilling the promise of his youth, and those long months apart seemed to be tearing us from each other. I had never hurt as much in my life.

Finishing my second year, I rushed home after my last exam, flying down the interstate to make it back for Alex's eighteenth birthday. I was so nervous, I could barely stand myself. Alex and I hadn't written much during this past semester, and I feared that this weekend would be our last.

I arrived at his house thinking that no one was home, but he met me at the door with a cautious smile. His eyes were still that incredible shade of green, and his hair still managed to fall in tufts around them, but the expression was different -- not the same joy I had always sensed before, and just a hint of stubble graced his cheeks. He explained to me that his parents had gone out of town for the weekend, and he was just planning to bum around the house.

"Not much of a birthday," I said.

He smiled shyly, looking down at his feet. "We celebrated earlier this week."

"I'm sorry I missed it."

"Me, too."

"Hey, you shouldn't spend your eighteenth birthday here alone. Let me at least take you to dinner." Were the sparkles coming back into his eyes?

"I'd like that, Sean."

Unfortunately, dinner turned out to be pure hell. The conversation was wooden as we talked hesitantly about school and Alex's plans for after graduation. Even though we would be attending the same college, we couldn't seem to sustain any kind of on-going discussion. We tried talking about our shared memories, but that faltered as well. At least the food was good.

As I drove him home, we sat in a silence enhanced by the radio's low hum. I knew then that our relationship was really over, over before I had ever told him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him now, but I just couldn't get up the nerve.

We pulled into the driveway, and I cut off the car. For a long time nothing happened. When he finally spoke, I nearly jumped.

"Why don't you come in, Sean?"

"I don't know, Alex. I -- "

Suddenly, he grinned at me -- the way he used to. Grabbing my arm, he started the old banter, "Come on in, Sean. Hell, spend the night; I mean, it's not like you got somebody better to spend the night with."

His hand on my arm, his eye-lashes batting and those eyes locking with my own, I felt a strange deja vous come over me. It was that much like our first meeting. I even started to counter, "Well, I know you ain't got no one better to spend your night ...." Half an hour before, I had been so certain that everything was finished, and now I found myself back at the beginning. The trouble was, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go through it all over again.

"I don't think I should."

His hand started to withdraw, then moved around my head as he slid next to me on the seat and wrapped and arm around my neck -- the old "noogie" position. "What's 'a matter, Stephenson? College make you forget your old friends?"

I knew he was joking, but his body against mine was driving me crazy. I felt his breath on my ear, and the hairs on my neck started to stand up; goose bumps tickled my arms. "Cut it out, Alex!"

"Uh-uh, Sean; you don't get away that easy."

As his arm tightened around my neck, I had an impulse to kiss him, or hit him as hard as I could. Instead, I started crying. "God damn it, Alex; stop!"

His arm immediately loosened, but stayed around my neck. "Hey, I'm sorry, Sean. I don't know what's bothering you, but I didn't mean to ...."

I looked up at him with tear-blurred eyes, saw the concern written in his face. It wasn't suppose to be like this! I had fantasized that things would start out right where we had left off before I went to college and slowly move to the point where we confessed our love for each other and moved on to more intimate pursuits, but had already given up that fantasy. It just wasn't fair for him to bring it up again. "Damn you," I sobbed. He looked as if I had hit him.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean that. It's just ... Alexander, I love you. I wish I didn't, but -- "

"Liar."

"Huh?" Caught by surprise, I sniffled in silence.

"Sean, we been friends for -- what, four years? In those four years, I've never known you to back away from how you felt."

"But, you don't understand!"

He grinned, "I don't, huh?" Before I realized it, his lips were against mine, pressing tightly. His tongue found its way between my lips and pushed until my teeth parted to accept it. Even as his lips moved away, they lingered on my cheek, whispering in my ear, "Tell me again how I don't understand."

I pushed him away and stared stupidly. His hand had caught my neck, and he started caressing it, tickling his fingers up and down. The smile that crossed his face brought the sparkles back to his eyes, and I wondered how I could have ever thought that our friendship was gone. Still, I knew that he must be doing this because he thinks it's what I want; I mean, he couldn't really be in love with me, could he?

"Alex, you don't have to -- "

"Get real, Sean. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do, that I haven't wanted to do since we met." His smile was as gentle as the finger that he used to brush a tear from my face. "You were so perfect: strong, yet sweet; handsome and manly; I watched you make the rounds of all the guys that evening, helping out with a smile here, listening to a problem there. I didn't need a ride home that night, and I didn't know exactly why I asked you, except ... I didn't feel too good thinking about you leaving without me."

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written by psyche0