Online Love Affair

It was the end of yet another dull meaningless day of classes as I walked up the street from the campus to my house. This year I chose to rent a place with a few close friends. It's one of the major advantages to finally making it past the underclass years of having to live in the cramped communal purgatory referred to as the dorms. This day I was a little more depressed than usual and wasn't being myself at all. Memories flashed in my mind all day of what had happened on this day three years ago. It was my first encounter with death. I had lost my brother. To most it was just another cool November day in the mid-west, but to me it was a painful anniversary that I couldn't wait to be over.

As I make it up the steps to my house and walk through the door I hear "hey Cory, you've got some mail on the table." As my room mate Matt mumbled a few other things while passing me on his way out. Just as well, I don't know if I could deal with him today anyway. It's amazing what living in the same house can do to a friendship. We had gone from being the closest of friends and fraternity pledge brothers to being barely casual acquaintances. I flipped through the mail. Junk, junk, junk, letter from parents along with my monthly check I'm sure. I'd have to read that later. I made my way to my room and started my computer as was my daily ritual after class.

My name's Cory. I'm a 20 year old Junior at a small university in southwest Indiana. I'm not that great at describing myself but here goes. I'm fairly tall, 6'4", about 190 with a somewhat decent build acquired from years of HS football and basketball. Light brown hair, bleached to be different (though every third guy I pass on campus lately has the same idea about being different) and sorta grey-blue eyes. The kind that are there but never seem to leave an impression. I suppose I've known for as long as I can remember that I'm gay, but it's just been the last year or so that I've started wanting to talk to people about it. Since that would hardly be appropriate with my frat bro's, room mates, and other friends I'm left with cyberspace. There were times in High School that I thought the only way I'd ever be able to deal with the fact that I was gay was by killing myself. I'm still nowhere close to accepting it but at least I know I wanna live to see how it all turns out.

As my computer finishes all of its startup stuff I try to decide where my exploration into self discovery will take me today. To the same people I talk to every day or in a new direction? I choose the latter. So I sign on under my 'secret' screen name and decide to check the personal ads on "Love@AOL". I'd seen them before and wanted to explore, but never felt truly motivated until now. I had begun to feel more alone then ever since my latest fake str8 relationship fell through. I chose the appropriate options. Male seeking Male, 18-22, blah blah blah and started down the list. Most were really lame though some were cute. I was in search of that special "one" with something different. Confidence, someone who knew who they were.

Then it just appeared in front of me. "Cute Soccer Boy in VT". I clicked it open and the pic was amazing. A bleach blonde god sitting outside dressed sorta preppie. Just a hint of a smile and a look of almost pure arrogance on his face. He didn't appear feminine at all in the pic which was another plus for me. Nothing against queens but I dated enough girls and was really more attracted to the masculine qualities in guys. I read all three sections of his ad and was left with my jaw hanging open. This was someone I had to talk to. There was absolutely no doubt.

I immediately added his screen name to my buddy list and read through his whole personal ad over and over again. His quote was a bit harsh, but I guess he knew what he wanted to say. I was a little more into tolerance of every kind where his quote said that he thought all homophobes should be shot and killed. Perhaps a little on the extreme side but we matched perfectly on everything else. Right down to favorite bands, BackStreet Boys, 3rd Eye Blind, and Dave Matthews Band. Yeah, I know, quite a range, but this guy had amazing taste in everything!!

I waited in vain for most of the afternoon for him to appear. Even while watching TV and fixing something to eat I stayed signed on waiting, checking my bud list with no luck. Thoughts ran through my head about this mystery guy. What was his name? From Vermont, that's like 1000 miles away. A safe distance to get to know someone incase he's a psycho, but what if he were really cool, the distance would suck. I guess I would find out another time. Maybe it would be nothing at all. As I would later find out, nothing could be farther from the truth.

It was Friday night so I decided I should be out having as much fun as he probably was. I made the short walk to the frat house, what a joke that was! Brotherhood? Most of my bro's were okay but a thought that was always in the back of my mind was how many of them would even attempt to tolerate me being gay. Maybe I dwell on things too much, but "you'll find it here", I don't think so. I walk in the side door to the sound of bass thumping from the dance floor in the basement. Of course I'm drawn to the sound. Knowing that the usual crop of hot freshman guys would be found trying to impress the ladies with their feeble attempt at dancing while my bro's on the rush team would be scanning the room for potential pledges for next semester. I made my way to the bar to begin my night of intoxication. Fraternity and University rules said we couldn't have common sources of alcohol at parties. However, that never stopped us from having a keg under the bar for members only. Some rules were just made to be broken!

After a few hours of what eventually turned to mind numbing boredom, I decided it was time to stagger home and pass out, alone. When I got home my other two room mates, Julie and Steph, were still up watching a movie. Some chic flick, My Best Friends Wedding, AGAIN!! The decision to have two of my room mates for the year be girls had turned out to be a good one for the most part. I got along better with them than I did with my former best friend Matt. I walked in at the perfect time. It was my favorite scene in the movie. The one where they all break out into a song at the rehearsal dinner. I've always thought that would be so cool, to be in a situation where everyone just starts singing. Go figure, in the scene the singing is brought on by the gay guy who flies in to help his friend. How stereotypical is that? The song ended so I stumbled the rest of the way to my room and started taking my clothes off to fall in bed. The thought suddenly struck me, what if "he's" signed on? I doubt it since it's 1 a.m. Still worth a shot though. So I start my puter and sign onto AOL. OMG!!!!! To my very happy surprise he is on!!!!!! What should I say? I don't wanna look like a freak! I go with the simple approach...

Me: Hi =)

For anyone who has AOL or stuff with instant messages, it's a weird feeling sending a first IM to someone? For me there's always that anticipation of "will they answer", "what are they thinking", "are they checking my profile right now". Finally a reply comes...

Him: Hi, who are you?

Great, now what to say? A simple enough question I guess, deserves a simple reply...

Me:Ummmm, I was looking through the personals on "Love@AOL" and saw yours. Your pic's really cute and I liked everything you had to say so I wanted to intro myself.

Him: THANKS!! :)

Me: My names Cory, can I ask yours?

Him: I'm Justin, it's nice to meet you Cory. Where from?

Me: Nice to meet you too Justin, I love that name =) I'm from Indiana

Him: Wow, that's pretty far away. What made you wanna talk to me?

Me: You just have something that nobody else had, you seemed interesting.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what it was that drew me to him, but it was something I felt right away. I couldn't get his pic or words out of my mind. This was no ordinary guy...

Him: Thanks again :) I hate to do this to you Cory but I'm really sleepy, will you be on tomorrow?

Me: Yeah, prolly for a while when I wake up, what time will you be on?

Him: Not sure, but I hope to get to talk to you again sometime. G'night.

Me: K, later.

So with that I signed off and leaned back in my chair with a smile and a feeling I can't even describe. It's almost as if I knew what was going to happen in the months to come. I know I'm not a psychic, but I just had the most amazing feeling about this guy. What a name.....Justin. Of course I would have to spend most of my Saturday signed on, waiting for the chance to talk to him again! For now it was time to sleep. Maybe I'd be lucky and dream about him.

Morning came, and I missed it. It was like 1:30 in the afternoon when I finally opened my eyes. Gotta love weekends for just that reason! I sorta fell out of bed and stumbled across the room pushing the key on my computer to start it up on my way to the bathroom. Needed that morning relief after a night of drinking of course. When I got back to my room I quickly opened AOL and signed on. Ugh, nothing, he's not on! How does this guy have such a spell on me already?

It would probably seem pretty strange to most. Since getting AOL about a year earlier it had opened up a whole new world to me. A world that exists on the other side of a small monitor. A world where I could be myself, or maybe a world where I could find out who I really was. Whichever it was, I had become lost in this world. Looking for answers to questions that I still didn't know. Would Justin have any of those answers?

Him: Hiya

OMG!!! There he was, and he said hi to me!!!! YES!!! Okay, I have to play this cool...

Me: Hi. You left kinda quick last night, I started to think you didn't want to chat.

Him: Sorry

Me: It's ok, so what's up?

Him: I just had a soccer game.

Me: How'd it go?

Him: Great, we won 4-0.

Me: Cool, congrats!

Him: Thanks

Me: What position are u?

Him: Midfield

We went on to chat for hours. He told me he was 18 and a senior in high school. Still in HS 'cause he had moved around so much, living in four different countries. Even had a British accent. All I could think when he said that was how much I wish I could hear it. We went on to cover everything from where we've lived, visited, wanted to go, as well as our families and just about everything else we could think of. He had a large family, he was a triplet, wow, there were 3 of him!!!!!! He also told me he had 4 other brothers. I couldn't help but wonder if they were all as cute and sweet as him. It was so fun talking to Justin, he wasn't boring at all. Time went by so fast that when I looked out my window it was almost dark. I figured I'd give him a chance to leave in case he was getting bored talking to me. I didn't want to overdo it...

Me: I hope you don't mind me IM'ing you, if you want to go it's ok

Him: No, I like talking to you

Me: Cool, cause i like talking to you too!

Me: Sorry if i'm askin a lot of boring questions, I'm just interested in you.

Him: It's ok, I like questions :)

Whew!!! What a relief, I haven't started to bore him. I guess I'm just really self-conscious of that. I've been looking for a while for anyone I could relate to and sorta connect with. Maybe he was the one...

Me: So you ever try dating girls?

Him: Yeah

Me: How did it go?

Him: Ok, I guess, but I like guys much better.

Me: Same here

Another big relief, we have that in common! It turns out he's a BSB fanatic. Almost obsessed with them. So I figured it was time to ask some kinda stupid questions to really get to know him...

Me: So if you could meet one person besides nick carter, who would it be?

Him: Aaron Carter so that he could introduce me to his brother

Him: hee hee

Me: hahah

Him: Probably.....Prince William or Matt Damon

Me: Good choices

Me: What's your favorite movie of all time?

Him: Grease!

Me: Favorite color?

Him: green

Me: =) Mine too, dark or light green?

Him: Dark

Me: =)

This went on for a while and I had noticed under it all that he seemed kinda quiet and reserved. For some reason my paranoia told me that it was something to do with me so I pushed the question a little. Then he told me something that made my heart sink and feel for him so much. He told me that his mother had been killed in a car accident recently. I had no idea what to say. I was so saddened as thoughts of what the day before had been like for me, being the anniversary of my brothers death. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be in his place. I wanted to reach through the computer monitor and hold him. He went on to say how it had screwed him up recently and he couldn't really concentrate on anything. She was all he could think about.

Me: Wow, now I feel like an asshole

Him: You're not

Me:I was just trying to get to know you 'cause I think you're an interesting person. I didn't mean to pry.

Him: Thanks, its ok, don't feel bad. You didn't know

Me:This may sound stupid, but if you want to talk about it you can talk to me, I lost my brother a couple years ago and I know losing someone close can be really hard.

Him: Thanks, none of my brothers wanna talk about it

Me:I can understand that....I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings for months

Him: I don't know what to do, everything is so messed up. It just sucks

Me: Yeah

We changed the subject and started to talk about our first crushes, music, anything except what was actually on his mind. By the time we both signed off we had been talking over 7 hours. It was so amazing. I'd never had that feeling with anyone I'd ever met on AOL before. What am I talking about, I'd never had that feeling with anyone I'd ever met in person before! All I could think about was how much I couldn't wait to talk to him again!

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written by dissdbyluv