My Lover

Hearing his voice on the phone does it. Seeing him is almost overpowering. When we touch I am invincible. Nothing can hurt me when we are together. I become clever and witty and charming and so completely relaxed. He is my lover, my boyfriend, my man.

I know how sensitive he is. A lot of other people don't. He seems to be strong, and he is strong, but he has feelings like everyone else does. Over the months, many times together, he opens up to me. As lovers or even friends will do, we talk to each other about our lives. But we talk about the parts that are usually not shared. The very personal parts, secrets.

He knows me pretty darn well. He knows how my mind works, he understands why I am so "Out" these days. He finds me cute in some way, so I am. He admires me and I admire him. His sister wants to meet me. My sister wants to meet him.

We met through a gay BBS in San Mateo that is associated with High Tech Gays. I was very new here in California. I was missing everyone back East. I posted a message telling everyone that I was new in town and lonely. Quite a few people replied. I carried on a little dialogue in Email with four or five of them. He is the only one I decided to meet. I've never regretted it.

Sometimes we just climb into bed and go to sleep together, no sex, just touching each other. Sometimes I listen to the music of his snoring. I get up to take a leak and he asks if I'm ok.

I never knew, years ago, that I could have a lover and it could be so smooth and calm and peaceful. My life was full of energy that needed an outlet. The nicest thing about having a lover, to me at least, is having someone you can talk to. Someone who will listen to trivial things as well as important things. Someone who cares.

I never use the "L word" around him. He has this image of himself that it does not fit into. I wouldn't want him to change at all. So we just snuggle up, or hold hands, or make passionate love together. Who needs words ?

I don't have the sense that this is a permanent thing with us. I can see it ending, and each of us going our own way, but if that does happen someday I'll have a treasure to keep forever. Of course I can also see it continuing, there are no danger signs, no little problems eating at us. So far it is working.

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One night recently we were in The City visiting a straight friend of his, someone he has known for twenty years. We were watching TV and having a few beers. He was in a chair on one side of the room, his friend in the middle on another chair, I was on the other side of the room. Without a word spoken I got up, walked over in front of him, sat on the floor between his legs, and just leaned back. It wasn't so much that I was horny or anything of that sort. I just wanted to touch him, to be right next to him. He put his legs tightly against my chest and sort of hugged me with his knees. He put his feet on my lap. He understood perfectly.

Later this week his sister will be in town. She is gay too. Lesbian if you prefer that term. I'm anxious to meet her and her lover. But there is a bit of nervousness too. What if they ask about our relationship ? Suppose they joke with us about getting married ? I guess I will follow his lead, it's his sister.

My sons have met him. They spoke highly of him later. They are clearly aware of the nature of our relationship. My oldest boy remarked on how different I seemed around him. It was like I was a new person, he said. So I guess it can't be all in my imagination, can it ?

Who knows ? The future could hold just about anything for us. I know one thing, the present is mighty fine.

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