Baltimore Retriever

College life has not turned out as I had once hoped it would. It's not the classes or the homework. I can handle all the work. It's not the professors or the facilities. I've had a few bad teachers, but they mostly have been very good. And the campus is beautiful; especially in the fall when the leaves turn different colors. No, I couldn't be happier in those respects. The thing I'm really missing is human contact and it is entirely my fault that I'm missing out...

My name is Justin and I grew up in a small little historic town in Maryland. In fact, it is one of the earliest towns founded in the state. Not much to do there, just a bunch of historic landmarks. I'm willing to bet that most of you have heard of its name before (especially if you smoke), you just don't know it. I have a pretty normal family. Two caring parents and an annoying little brother (Todd) that is always trying to outdo me in everything I do.

I am a 19 year old white guy with dirty blond hair. My eyes are a shade of light blue and green, almost grey. I'll probably never be on the cover of any fashion magazine or be named sexiest man alive, but I'm still far away from being ugly. I'm not really happy with my body, but how many of us really are? Several people have mentioned that I look young enough to be in high school. I've also been told that I look a little like Dr. Drew. I don't have any tattoos (I find them disgusting and unattractive). I have always been a shy and quiet person that had problems making friends. Characteristics that are further exacerbated by the fact that I am also gay.

As much as I hate the term, I would be considered by most to be "straight acting". "Straight acting" to me sounds like I have to work to make myself appear to be straight. Just because I'm gay and don't fit the stereotypes does not mean that I'm suppressing an urge to walk around with limp wrists, listen to boy bands, speak with a lisp, or dress in tight fitting clothes. It's just that if you passed me on the street you would never suspect. I fit in none of the stereotypes. I have never gone on a shopping spree or even have that much of a fashion sense. I have never danced a step in my life and am not a drama queen. I'm just a normal guy that just happens to be attracted to other guys. I don't even have much of a gaydar. The only people I can tell are gay are those that are just about pretty obvious to everyone. Unfortunately for me, I'm not attracted to them at all. It is always the guys I have no way of telling and have no plausible excuse to go up to and get to know them. Sigh...

I first questioned my sexuality during my freshman year of high school. I had been in the Magnet program (a nice way of saying 'spread the white out so they are not all in the same school') during elementary and middle schools and went to schools far away from home (bus rides an hour or longer). The good news was that my new school was about five minutes away. The bad news was that I didn't know anyone else there. My father made me join the schools soccer team. It was here that my first hints came. My eyes would always wander around in the locker room. I first attributed it to 'checking out the competition'. It soon became evident to me that I was doing more than just that. I had acquired an interest in seeing other guy's cocks. My jack off fantasies would be crowded with images other guy's bodies. First I tried to ignore these disturbing thoughts. I tried to add more women into my fantasies. What a waste of effort.

The clincher came during my sophomore year. My parents finally decided to get connected to the internet (and only then because my brother needed to get his weekly math assignment). Like any normal horny teenager, I ended up finding the porn. I would be able to jack off to the straight porn and that comforted me some. I then noticed I never used the pictures of just girls in suggestive poses. There would always be a guy somewhere in the picture and I would focus in on him. I finally decided to get it over with and went to a gay porn site.

So there I was, 15 years old and having a major crisis. I had no one to talk this over with at all. My brother was too young. I was terrified of my parent's reactions to this bit of news. I had no close friends (my first and only best friend left me for other more popular crowd). I knew no other gay people. I had never heard a word about gays in Church so I didn't even have people telling me how evil and sick they are (I still haven't heard anything). So you know what I did. I just ignored it. I would still go to gay porn sites or check out any hot guy's I might pass but leave it at that. I just figured that was the way things were going to be. Look but never let myself indulge in these feelings.

As you can understand, being closeted didn't do wonders for my social life. I never went to a school dance or friend's party. The only time I did anything outside of school with my friends was the day we skipped school to go watch Spiderman. The extent of my lack of a social life became clear to me in my senior year. My first hint came when I was voted Most Serious in my class. Then in the final weeks of school I had several people come up to me to say:

"I didn't think you could laugh." "You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were going to go psycho on us one day."

If that's not depressing I don't know what is.

So I graduated high school as the class salutatorian. It really wasn't that hard to get in a school where they had a 1000 club (for students that get over a 1000 on the SATs) with about 30 members. The thing I regret most about my time in high school is that I didn't take the opportunity to prove them all wrong when I had it. I didn't have the courage to get in from of my classmates when they had Karaoke and sing "It's Raining Men". Now that would have been great. The shy, quiet nerd everyone saw and never paid attention to singing his heart out with the vocals of the Weather Girls backing him up. Show them who can't laugh. Hrmm...Well there is always the reunion...

Anyway, I digress...

So one stage of my life had ended and I am starting a new chapter in my life.

I attend a small research university on the outskirts of Baltimore. It is one of the better universities in the nation with a very diverse student body, but few have actually heard of it. In fact, I had never heard about the school until the day my mom took me there for a campus tour. It's got some great sports teams, just not in any of the sports you would see televised, more of the intellectual sports.

So I arrive for my first day at college hoping I can make new friends. It turns out that I have two room mates instead of just one. I pass through all the paperwork and get my key. I get to the room to find my first room mate already there. I quickly noticed that he had a nice body. He had really blond hair, blue eyes, had the bulging muscles of a wrestler. I walk up to him and shake hands.

"Hi I'm William." He tells me. "Justin." I respond. We then continue unpacking and get to know one another better. He was here on a full scholarship and was double majoring in Math and Economics (how boring!).

My other roommate arrived shortly after me. His name was Chuck and studying chemical engineering. He had long brown hair in one of those bowl cuts. The second thing I noticed was that he was a big professional wrestling fan. Pretty hard to miss when he has a life size cardboard cut out of the Undertaker under his arm. Now I think professional wrestling is one of the most idiotic things on TV. When I saw that cut out, I started to pray that it would somehow burst into flames (I later found out that William was thinking along those same lines). To my immense relief, there wasn't enough room for it.

The next thing I noticed was his B.O. I attributed it to sweat from the moving. It turns out that that he had never used deodorant in his life before. Well that was soon rectified when we bought him one and forced him to use it. This was only a small improvement. His laundry was just fowl. He stuffed it in a mess bag and left it there for weeks on end until he decided to go wash them. Anyone that came to the door would always mention the odor. William and I ended up hiding air fresheners around his area to try to control it.

Despite all these things he was a pretty funny guy to be around. You could never predict what he was going to do or say. EVER! Once in the dining hall he threw his tray at someone for no reason. And even with all his negative qualities, he always seemed to have a new girlfriend every two weeks. He never got very far with them before he scared them away but then have a new one after a few days. I still don't understand how so many women could be attracted to him. Making me glad I would never have to decipher the female psyche.

William, on the other hand, claimed that he hated all women. He had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a girl that landed him in the emergency room from alcohol poisoning. Apparently his girlfriend, whom he named the 'Psycho Bitch', messed with his mind really bad. He didn't go into a whole lot of detail but things escalated out of proportions on his Prom night and he ended up at home and started drinking. He just kept drinking until he passed out. He pulled through and was at school on a full scholarship. William also turned out to be an asshole; always acting like he knew everything and was better than everyone else. But don't worry; I managed to put him in his place.

I made friends with four other people on the floor. The first was Josh. He shaves his head and had very pale skin. He was a philosophical person. He was always giving his opinion on whatever topic came up for discussion. He was also atheist. He equated believing in God to believing in "magical flying frogs that control the universe".

Next was Sarah. She was a plump woman with a dark complexion and black hair. She was also pretty argumentative and vocal in her opinions. A perfect fit for Josh. They soon got together.

George was not someone from the same dorm as me. I met him through William. They were in the same math class together and became friends. He was 22 years old and finally starting college. I never really got to know him all that much. He had longish brown hair, blue eyes, muscular body, and was an avid rock climber.

My last and closest friend was Samuel. He was a Computer Science major with dark black hair and always had a 5 o'clock shadow. Of all of my friends, he was the most similar to me. Quiet, introverted, and rarely spoke up or gave his opinion. He was a great guy. Kind, considerate, honest, and never spoke bad about someone behind their backs. With him I could open up some and tell him some of my dreams and worries (nothing that would suggest my interest in other guys though).

Nothing all that exciting happened that year. I finally decided on a major (Biology and English minor). We went out a few times to see movies and once to the 9:30 club to see Reel Big Fish (William's favorite band). I also had my first experiences with alcohol.

My friends would get drinks about every two weeks and just chill in one of our rooms and get drunk. I only got drunk on two such occasions. Not because I was afraid or anything, but because they would only get beer. Now most people would not have a problem just drinking beer. I however am not normal. I hate carbonation. This also disqualifies sodas as well. So on these occasions I would just sit around with and listen to the pretty hilarious conversations and help people get back to their rooms.

My first experience with alcohol was pretty uneventful. I had a few shots and a couple mixed drinks and loosened up a bit and played drunken card games. I had a good time but hated waking up the next day. The second time I got drunk resulted in me being alone in a room with William the next day with me holding a bottle of Astroglide a small rake and wearing rubber gloves getting ready to take his clothes off.

Let me explain how this came about.

We were all a little drunk and were playing Asshole. William was sitting next to me around the table when he suddenly out of the blue turned to me and asked,

"Can I give you a hug?"

To which I replied, "Only if I get to fuck you up the ass with a rake." (It was one of my high school friend's sayings. I have no idea what posed me to use it then.)

After a few moments of contemplation, he put his arms around me and gave me a short hug (he later told me he didn't think I had the balls to go through with it).

The next day all of us went out to the store to buy the supplies. William even chose the lube he wanted. When he saw that I was actually buying the stuff, he got scared and ran off. The rest of us continued to search for a rake to use and found a good one at Wal-Mart. When we returned to the dorm, we found that William had still not returned. When he finally did, I got the party started.

So there we were. William stood before me, shuffling back and forth looking lost and scared. I closed and locked the door knowing full well that the others were just outside listening in. So I put on the rubber gloves with a little snap to add effect. When I asked him to strip for me he claimed that wasn't part of the agreement and that I would have to undress him myself. Hehehe.

I guess this was a last ditch attempt to get me to stop. Maybe he thought I would be uncomfortable undressing another man (doesn't really make sense when I'm there to rape him with a yard implement does it?). I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Here was this tough guy acting like the scrawny 3rd grader about to be beat up by the school bully. How I enjoyed watching him squirm as I approached him. Not only was I going to put him in his place, but now I got the opportunity to undress him myself. What's the harm in a little practice?

I started by taking off his shoes and socks. When they were gone, I stood up and unbuttoned his shirt revealing his smooth muscular chest. His pink nipples hardened in front of my eyes. I slowly took his shirt and folded it on the back of his chair. When I turned around, I could see the fear in his eyes. I slowly lowered my hands down to release his pants.

He caved in. He called a stop to it when I placed my fingers on the zipper. I released my hold and let him put his clothes back on. The whole incident became a big joke.

What? You actually thought I was going to rape that poor boy with a rake? I guess I will have disappointed some of you. I had a perfectly good opportunity to incorporate some hot steamy action and just ended it. Well get over it, I'm not the kind of person that likes to intimidate and hurt people (I only did it to deflate his big head). I want my first time to be with someone I love and for it to be romantic. Not for it to involve raping and yard tools. Now that I think of it, it sounds a lot like a cheap porno plot line.

Freshman year ended and I did pretty well for myself grade wise. But I was still ignoring my sexuality.

That came to an abrupt end when I discovered the Nifty archive that summer. I now had access to the thoughts and experiences of guys like myself. I realized just how wrong I was. Love for people like me does exist and it can be the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Nifty was a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. With these stories, I experienced feelings I had never felt before. Feelings I had denied myself for so very long. The beauty and purity of the love experienced by the characters in the stories was addicting to me. My heart was always craving for more. I would find a good story and seclude myself in my room; being drawn further and deeper into their lives. My heart would beat along side the characters' as I shared in their passion. My mind would be warmed by the depth of their love as they stared into each others eyes, seeing the love burning within. My soul would sing as I vicariously experienced the joys of being held by the love of my life.

It was as if the dam I had placed around my heart had finally been cracked. These glorious feelings kept battering at my heart, weakening my defenses until the dam finally collapsed.

I was left weaker than I had ever been in my entire life. My mood depended completely on the stories I read. When I was reading one of the many wonderful love stories, I felt happy and life looked bright. But as soon as I finished a storyline, I became depressed and felt devastated.

'No way would I ever find true love like that.' 'True love is just a fairy tale.' 'I'm doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness. My only escape from reality are these stories.' 'Even if love for people like me does exist, I will never find it.' 'I'm 19 years old, never been on a date, never been kissed. Not even had a simple crush.' 'Who would ever want me?' 'Who could ever love me?'

These thoughts became ever-present in my mind. My outlook on life became darker after I finished each story. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get these thoughts out of my head. My being gay was always in my mind; laughing at me, stabbing my heart. It was present in my every waking moment. My only escape was through the oblivion of sleep. I don't have dreams for my subconscious to warp.

At one point I began to think I wanted to escape into oblivion forever.

Lucky for me Todd noticed my darkening mood. Even as annoying as he was and still is. I wouldn't have him any other way. He was just too damn optimistic and cheerful. Whenever he saw me sulking in my room he would barge in and challenge me to a tennis match or to ask to go to see a movie. He was always making jokes and being the perky person he is. He even turned the time I was rear-ended into a running gag. I couldn't help but smile whenever he was around. It is hard to picture life as a bleak and loveless place when you're looking into a face so full of life and a smile that as bright as the sun.

Todd kept me from doing anything as stupid as trying to commit suicide. He still doesn't know just how much he has helped me.

Like a Phoenix, I was reborn from the ashes of my older self. I felt liberated from the dark thoughts and ignorance that had overshadowed my mind. I began to look deep inside of myself. I asked myself what I wanted out of life. I became almost obsessed. The fact that I was gay always seemed to be lingering in my mind.

I finally decided that I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be closeted anymore. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to have real friends that I could feel free around, make jokes with, and would stick by my side no matter what. I wanted a family that loved and accepted me for who I am. But most of all, I wanted to find love.

My plan was to first come out to Samuel, then to my brother, and finally to my parents. I chose Samuel first because I knew he would never break a promise or gossip and I wanted to build up my confidence before I tackled my family.

Sophomore year started and I found myself in a completely different dorm than all of the friends I made last year. I soon realized this year was going to suck. I met my new roommate and quickly found that he doesn't give a fuck about me. He just ignores me completely. The rest of the people on the floor are the same. They all had their own little groups and were not interested in having me as a friend. Even my old friends seemed to ignore me. They'd say hi when they saw me. Then ask me the 'I'm being polite and trying to sound like I'm interest' questions.

"Oh...hi Justin. How are you? ... That's great...How was your summer? ... That's nice. Well it's been good to catch up with you but I gotta class to get to. See you around."

The only two friends that still seemed to want to talk to me were Samuel and what came as a big shocker, George. I still ended up eating most meals by myself. So after a little time passed, to get settled back into my exciting college life, I decided to implement the first part of my plan.

After eating dinner one day, I sat down with Samuel.

"I need to talk to you."

"Sure, what about?"

"I need you to promise me you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."

"...Uhhh... sure." He responded hesitantly.

"I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the summer and have arrived at a few conclusions." I started out in a quiet voice. At this point, my hands were shaking and I was wishing I had waited to eat after I did this. "The most important of which is that I need to open up more."

"Okay...."

"Samuel, I need to tell you that ..." my voice died. I clear it and try once again.

"I need to tell you that I'm..." There it goes again.

'Come on Justin! You need to do this now or you'll never have the courage to go through with the plan.' I chided myself.

"I'm...I'm..." each time attempt getting softer and more mumbled.

'Do it! DO IT NOW!'

"Samuel, I'm gay." I finally finish.

"Oh..." He looks away and doesn't say anything.

After what seemed like ten minutes, I finally break the silence.

"Samuel. Are you okay with it?

He responds in a hollow voice, still not looking at me. "Sure. I'm glad you felt you were able to tell me."

It turns out he lied to me. When I left him at the front of his dorm, I did not realize the finality of his last words to me...

"Good bye."

Samuel has since never even acknowledged my very existence. Going as far as having a conversation someone sitting next to me and not even looking at me. He did however keep his promise to not tell anyone.

I don't hate him now. He used to be my friend and he is free to have his own opinion. I just thought he would be able to see me for who I was and accept me. I just wish he would have been honest to me from the start. It still would've been painful, but I think the lie scared me deeper than the rejection.

Not only did the rejection hurt me, but it also cast doubts as to the success of my master plan.

'I was so sure he would accept me. If I was wrong about him, what would happen if I told my family? What if they also rejected me? Pushed me out the door to fend for myself? Todd wouldn't be there for me anymore. I have so few people in my life as it is; I don't want to lose anymore.'

So I lost my courage. My plans to "come out" died along with that friendship. No matter how hard I tried, I could not build myself up again. There is an active gay organization on campus, but I could never make it all the way to the meeting before I turned around. I would see the others around and wish I could be that obvious. It would save me the trouble of actually telling people myself. Plus, if someone was actually interested in me, they wouldn't have to be afraid of being wrong the way I do.

I still want to come out. Don't doubt that. I know that I'll never find love or be completely happy if I keep hiding in the dark. I just can't walk into the light.

I have six classes this semester for a total of 17 credits (Damn labs! I do so much work in them and only get 2 credits each for them). My favorite class this semester turned out to be Genetics. First of all, it was a biology class (which is always a plus in my book). Secondly, I had already learned most of the material in previous classes. And thirdly, and most important, I got to sit next to Jeffery.

I first saw him last semester (but didn't know his name). He was in my discussion section for the general biology course I was in. When the TA announced that we would be separating into groups for the rest of the semester, I began praying that I would be put in his group so I could get to know him better. She had us count off, and to my immense disappointment was made a one and he was a two. So for the rest of the semester, I was stuck sitting with my group in the lecture as well as in the discussion section. I could never figure out where he sat in the lecture. But I took full advantage of the clock on the wall behind him as an excuse to turn around and gaze at his beauty in the discussion. When the semester ended, I still hadn't even learned what his name was.

Then there he was when I entered the lecture hall. I quickly grabbed the seat across the isle from him before it was taken by someone else. It started all once again. I spent every chance I could to look in his direction. I would even arrive twenty minutes before class, just to make sure I got my seat. For the first time, I actually felt glad to be gay. Just so I could appreciate his body the way that no straight guy ever could.

He sits next to his friends, but still seems to keep himself separate from them. His hair is as dark as the new moon and looks so soft silky that I want to just run my hands through it. I cringe every time he has his hair cut because I think he looks sexier when he wears it is a little long. His eyes are a deep shade of brown that are just so warm and inviting. Every time I look at him in class, I pray for just a glance into those eyes. Luck was truly with me one day when we were asked to wait in the lounge so people could finish their tests. I was talking with George about an upcoming test when he walked in. My eyes followed him until he stopped about 6 feet away. I lost the thread of the conversation as he looked in my direction and our eyes met. His eyes took my breath away and my heart soared. I just stood there rooted to the floor staring deep into his eyes. For what seemed like a minute, but was probably only twenty seconds, I could only think of how much I wanted to just spend hours staring into his eyes. It ended all too soon for me and I began to breathe once more. When I again focused on George, he was giving me a look that asked 'Where were you?' How I wished I could have told him, "On cloud nine."

Jeffery has a wonderful laugh that lifts my heart and his smile is just...just so...oh I dunno, no words could ever do it justice. His voice is perfect; so sexy, its music to my ears. His ass looks so round and firm in his jeans (it's a shame the seat has all the fun). I think it's cute when he doses off in class and his head nods forward and then jumps back up making him wake up. And as embarrassing as this will be for me, I think this demonstrates just how sexy I think he is.

He wore a red Old Navy fleece to class one day. Then right in front of me he pulled it off, dragging with it his shirt underneath. I only got to look at about six inches of skin, but what glorious skin it was! He had a slender waist, without blemish or scar and completely hairless. It reminded me of the soft skin of a newborn baby. And here's the real embarrassing thing; I got hard at the sight. With just that short glimpse of his body, he gave me a hardon that lasted twenty minutes.

I have never felt this way about anyone else before. He was even in my dreams. This might not seem all that special to most of you, but in my case, it is. In my entire life, I have only remembered three dreams, all at significant points in my life. I had finally gotten my first crush

I don't understand what exactly is so special about Jeffery. What you've gotten is how I see him. My mind knows that he's not the hottest guy on campus and is not perfect. But I can't stop thinking about him. I see hotter guys on campus everyday, but five minutes later, it's like I never saw them. If he is as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside I could see myself easily falling in love with him.

I finally learned the name of my 'dream' guy about halfway through the semester. I overheard his friends talking to him and heard the name "Jeffery".

The most maddening thing about all this is that I have no way of telling if he's gay or not. I watch him for any hints that might tell me one way or another. Some days, I would get the impression that he was gay like me. Our eyes would meet for a second and then part. But I would be left with a sense of sadness hidden in those eyes. I would catch him glancing at me (or so I hoped). Other days, it seemed like he didn't even know I existed. It's like I'm pulling petals off a flower.

"He's gay. He's straight. He's gay..."

That's it for now. Don't expect the next chapter anytime soon. I've got finals coming up and will be very busy with them and then moving everything back home for break. I know this might not be the best thing I've ever written or all that interesting. But it is necessary as background. Comments and suggestions are always appreciated but keep in mind this is my first attempt at writing something like this.

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written by baltimoreretriever